In March my brain almost died from sleep deprivation and I ended up in the hospital for a week. It was a super scary time because for a day or two neither I nor anybody else knew if I would get my memories back or truly remember who I was ever again.
While it was super scary, it was also one of the best times of my life because of how God used it to strengthen and heal me in so many ways. I witnessed my Heavenly Father carrying me and sustaining me even when I didn’t know who I was and couldn’t comprehend the first thing about complicated Biblical doctrines and stuff. And that whole experience just reminded me of what really matters most with faith…our hearts. I think it’s always been about our hearts and about loving God and loving people and about how that love changes us and naturally results in us wanting more of his will and less of our own.
For the first month out of the hospital, I didn’t read anything in the Bible. My brain was still so fragile that I wasn’t yet able to handle all the confusing words. So I just rested on that fact that God loved me and understood mental disabilities and would always, for the rest of my life, meet me just where I was. And I knew that even if I were never able to understand the Bible ever again, God’s love would be enough to sustain me until he took me home.
But thank God my brain did get stronger. I started with two of my favorite books, James and Matthew, and continued on through the rest of the gospels, and it was one of the most freeing things in my life. I really began understanding, I think, more of what Jesus was talking about when he said that you had to return and become like a little child to enter the kingdom of Heaven. Because at that time I had the brain of a little child in so many ways. A brain that couldn’t handle anything complicated or confusing, but that needed things to be as simple as possible. In a lot of ways, I didn’t really have a brain…I just had my heart. A heart that just wanted to hear God’s truths and love him and follow him and be with him. And you know what? That was enough. And based on all that I’ve been reading lately in the old testament and new, I think that always has been, ultimately, what God most wants from us…a heart that wants God and his will more than it wants anything else.
And I’m so thankful for that. I’m so thankful for Jesus. I’m so thankful for love. I’m so thankful for grace.