Walker commented the other day that I’ve been going crazy on here with my little expressions. He’s right, of course, but what he didn’t know when he said that was just how many more of those little expressions I have written and not yet shared. I counted my stack of poems today (although I always hesitate to call them poetry…I just don’t know what other word to use) and I currently have twenty-five of them, most of which were written in the last 5 weeks.
I don’t know about you, but I love prayerfully setting intentions for my life and watching to see what God does with them. At the end of last year, I prayerfully set the intention for myself to make 2020 a year dedicated to healing. I wanted to learn to cook more healing foods. I wanted to spend more time being nourished by nature. And I wanted to write more words that would help heal some of the pain of my past. I thought the whole healing-words aspect of things would be the hardest part to accomplish, but boy was I wrong! Instead of a struggle to get them out, I haven’t been able to keep them in. It’s like healing words have been overflowing out of me!
Something I don’t think I’ve ever talked about before is that my whole life I felt like I was bleeding pain and that I had to hide it. It wasn’t that nothing good ever happened or that I didn’t acknowledge the good wholeheartedly when it did come…it’s just that there was always so much bad stuff going on behind closed doors as well. So much pain. And so for more than 20 years I lived in that pain.
But these days I don’t feel like I’m bleeding pain anymore. These days I feel like I’m bleeding healing instead. Healing words. And just like I didn’t know how to stop the pain, I don’t know how to stop these big, little expressions either. Nor do I want to.
I’ll still be writing regular blog posts…I work on them nearly every day. It’s just that they’ve been a lot harder to come together lately than my little expressions have been. I started the year putting lots of pressure on myself to try and pull more “normal” posts together and not post so much poetry, but I’ve since decided to drop the pressure and simply surrender to the process. Healing is a journey that I’ve tried to manage and make cooperate for too long…today I choose to set it fully and completely free.
I’m excited to see where this healing journey will take me from here. Excited and curious and a bit nervous, too. I suspect that in a few weeks I’ll find the words I’ve been looking for that will help me write the other things I’ve been trying to write, but it’s okay if I don’t. Either way I’m going to give myself the freedom to continue bleeding healing in this strange way that has taken over my life, and I’m going to rejoice in wherever it takes me.