A Healing Step

Writing used to be a kind of therapy for me. I wrote to survive, almost. It was like a lifeline that connected me to reality amidst all the trauma and abuse and confusion that was my daily life…

I used to fill up a journal every 3 months. I needed to process each day’s events on paper in order to feel sane. Writing helped keep me connected to what was real and true. It helped give me strength to stay strong and to not give in to lies, temptation, and manipulation.

I’ve been journaling since I was 6, I believe, although I’ve since lost my earliest journals. When I was 10 I started journalling more seriously, and by the time I was 15 I was completing around 4 journals a year.

Writing was comforting. Helpful. Hopeful. Strengthening. Healing.

But somewhere along the way it became pain. Lots and lots of pain. And it wasn’t because of my words…it was because of the words of others. The written words of others.

It started 6 years ago. I received a 3-page letter from a woman who abused me my whole life, and in it she told me over and over that I deserved to die and be killed. She never would talk to me about it in person or explain what she believed I did that caused her to write such hateful words, but she did use the written word to flood me with verbal abuses of many different kinds…with words that cut me to the heart and nearly broke my spirit entirely. After that the letters became emails, Facebook messages, texts, and cards every now and then…all with messages filled of lies and hate.

In the beginning it was only this one particular woman who sent me hate in the form of writing, but over time her friends and family, who were Christians and non-Christians alike, began contacting me on her behalf, accusing me of terrible things I had never done but that they were convinced, by her words, that I had. I was called terrible names, betrayed, shunned, abandoned by old friends, and even disowned.

Finally, I was wounded to my core. And finally, the association that “writing” had to hate, hurt, lies, cruelty, and terrible things was complete. Finally, what used to be therapeutic and life-giving for me was now nothing but pain. And my life already had so much pain the way it was…how could I willingly let myself endure more?

So I started writing less. And less. And less.

I still made myself write, though. I thought if I forced myself to write and to push through my pain long enough, I’d overcome my desire to never write another word again. But the more I tried…the more I pushed myself…the more I tried to overcome the negative association that writing had become…the more writing hurt me, not less. It was just too associated with terrible things.

I almost gave up writing, and therefore blogging, a dozen times over the last 2 or 3 years. Almost. But God is a healing God, and He didn’t give up on the broken state of my heart. He used His Word, years of prayers, Walker, my friend Annelise, my dear Miss Foskett, and a long visit from a sweet soul named Leah to heal my heart and spirit in big ways, and to heal me from the fear I had of writing. Of making new friends. Of vulnerability and condemnation from others. Of verbal attacks and cruelty and lies.

And now I’m finally ready to start over again with writing. For the first time in a long, long time I’m ready to start blogging with new eyes…eyes without the taint of the pain of yesterday.

I know I have a long road of healing still ahead of me, but this is a start. A really, really good start. ❤

Yours Truly,
~Cassia Dee

Welcome Back To The Blog!

Hey friends!

Welcome to the re-launch of my blog!

It’s been a long road of tweaking and brainstorming and trial and error (not to mention prayers, soul-searching, and healing), and I thank you all so much for your patience! “Yours Truly, Cassia Dee” is starting afresh, and I’m so thankful that amidst chronic illness, pain, trauma, injuries, & being stuck at home I am still able to write and share a little bit of my heart with the world. ❤

 I’ll write more in the future about the direction that my blog will be heading in over the next few years, as well as share some long-overdue health updates, but for now, here’s a big welcome for you! Thank you for stopping by, and I’ll write more soon!

Yours Truly,
~Cassia Dee

Healing For The Holidays

There is so much brokenness in the world…so much pain. I’ve seen it in so many faces recently…heard it in so many voices…and today it is breaking my heart. The holiday season is the greatest time of year for so many people, but for others it is the painful, almost unbearable reminder of loss, brokenness, or pain.

If you are one of those people, I want you to know that today I am writing for you.

I am praying for you, and have been praying for you for months. I might not know your name or your sorrows, but I’m praying for you…for every single person needing healing this holiday season more than anything else.

For every person who has lost a loved one to sickness, accident, suicide, or old age.

For every person who is lonely or feeling abandoned.

For every person who has been betrayed and feels like their heart has been ripped out of their chest.

For every person who desperately needs hope.

For every person who feels like giving up.

For every person who feels like they’re carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders.

For every person who is trying so hard to be brave for the people they love, but who are running out of strength.

For every person who has cried out to God for help but hasn’t seen Him answer.

For all the brokenhearted.

For you…wherever you are.

Don’t give up, you dear soul. Don’t despair.

I wish I could hold your hand while you poured out your heart to me, and give you a shoulder to cry on. I wish I could hug you, and prove to you that you are more loved than you know.

Because you are loved.

And even though I can’t personally reach you, and befriend you, and show you pieces of the love of God who dearly loves you…I can at least write this, and hope that somehow it will find you.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted; he saves those whose spirits are crushed.”

-Psalm 34:18

You have not been forgotten this holiday season, and you are not forgotten now. And I am praying, so, so much, that the God who made, knows, and loves you will meet you right where you are this Christmas and begin the beautiful work of healing that your life and heart needs most  ❤

Yours Truly,
~Cassia Dee

Rain & Beauty

It’s a cold, rainy, November day. I sip from a mug of tea while I try to read, but mostly I just stare out the window, deep in thought. I know that lots of people find this kind of weather depressing, but it’s never been that way for me. I love the rain, and I find so much solace and companionship in nature. In birds chirping. In a hummingbird’s flight. In trees. In ocean waves. In flowers. And especially, for reasons I’ve never known, in the steady falling of rain.

When I was a little girl I loved rainy weather. I was a bookworm before I even should’ve learned to read, so for me the rain meant curling up somewhere with a good picture book, preferably with a doll or stuffed animal on my lap. As I got older, rainy days meant other things like tea, umbrellas, and crazy drivers on the freeway. It also meant getting wet against your will and having bad hair days. But even with its inconveniences, the rain never did seem to lose its magic.

I’m twenty-four now, and although I’m sick, often bedridden, and stuck in a body plagued with terrible pain, I still find comfort and wonder in a rainy day. I look out my window and see life. The earth is being watered, life is being sustained, and it is beautiful. The love of our Creator is seen so strongly in nature, and I start to think about who He is and all that He’s promised. I remember that He is with me, I remember that I am loved, and I am thankful. So thankful.

Then the rain stops. I look out the window and see the soft golden glow of a setting sun leaking through breaks in the dark clouds. I hear a bird chirp and I can’t help but peel myself from the warm, dry confines of the house to go outside. I tiptoe barefoot across wet cement, looking up into the sky. Rain droplets still caught on trees fall on my face, and soon I’m too cold to remain outdoors. But I drink in the sights and smells of this seemingly-insignificant moment of wonder, and I hold them close as I retreat indoors.

And I remember something that I haven’t really, truly remembered in a while. I remember that life is beautiful. And not just the life “out there” that I am too sick to enjoy, but life in the very capacity that I have been given. Even life in a pain-wracked, sick body that often seems impossible to endure. It’s still a gift. But it’s also a really hard fight, and God used this rainy day to help me see that no matter how hard this fight gets, it doesn’t change the Maker of all life. It doesn’t change the beauty He put in this world for us to enjoy and cultivate. It doesn’t change the beauty of His love for His created ones, or the beauty of His promises and faithfulness. It also doesn’t change the beauty of his everyday mercies and sufficient grace…But the beauty of all of these unchanging things will change me.

Yours Truly,
~Cassia Dee